Recently, I was asked what advice I would give to a new supervisor or Staff Sergeant (SSgt) based on what I didn’t know? I get this question a lot from new supervisors, and the answer is probably surprising.
When I was a new Noncommissioned Officer (NCO) or supervisor, I thought I needed to be: bold, direct, and firm. I focused on this constantly. I would tell myself, “I need to make a stand” or “be more firm and get the message across”. In reality, I needed to listen better—not talk more. I fell into the hero and villain complexes, where I was trying to achieve something righteous, and the other person was trying to disrupt my plans.
How can you listen to your team better? First, part of listening is being quiet, and that means in your thoughts as well. If you are thinking of your counter argument, then you aren’t 100% listening. It is impossible for your brain to process what the other person is saying if you are focused on what you will say when they stop talking.
There’s a concept I have to attribute to an amazing Audiobook called Crucial Conversation: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, Ron McMillan. There are a few concepts here that are heavily touched on in this book. I also highly recommend watching this Ted Talks, 5 Ways to Listen Better by Julian Treasure, which focuses on ways to retrain yourself to listen better.
An important tool I’ve found is repeating back what the other person told you before you continue forward with the conversation. Paraphrasing or making clarifications (in a non-threatening way) will show the other person you are actively listening and trying to understand their way of thinking. Until the other person feels they have gotten out what they have to say, keep listening.
So many times I’ve seen leaders too busy talking over their people, rather than listening, and the person talking has to repeat things back to them.
Secondly, but equally as important, you must establish safety in your team. This means if someone is coming off aggressive or even timid, this is a sign that their fight or flight sensors are actively working. This means they don’t feel comfortable being 100% open.
By ignoring this, you are hurting your team, and they will foster resentment, distrust, or not share their ideas openly again. If you see someone is upset, pull them aside and have a conversation. Ask them if you did anything to make them feel upset or isolated.
If they don’t want to answer, try leading them to the answer by saying “I know at times I can be (blank). Is this how you might be feeling?” Clearing up something that could be a misunderstanding and working out a possible issue can improve the communication of your team. Be ready to hear what your teammates might have to say. Maybe you are the issue, and maybe you are the toxic person in your environment.
Another idea found in the Crucial Conversation: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High focused on the idea that there is a circle of trust. It’s important that everyone on the team feels they can openly contribute to the circle. Your job as a leader is to foster an environment when everyone’s teammate feels empowered.
If you see someone talking over another person, invite that person back to the conversation. You can do this by asking their thoughts or concerns. If the team doesn’t want to be open in your presence, leave the room and ask them to discuss without you and come back when they have decided together. 15 minds are much better than 1, so it is your job as a leader to help build this environment.
As a team, you can accomplish anything, but you can’t work as a team if you can’t listen to the 15 other people in the room. Especially as a leader, it is imperative you take the back seat until you have heard all possible outcomes. This way you can have strong ideas that the team is happy with.
You can’t please everyone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give an open space to discuss and consider. We see that listening is key in both team citations and confrontations. It can help in communication, problem solving, and even building strong relationships with your teammates.
