Like many Hispanic/Latinx, my racial identity is not singular to one set story. We are all a mixed race with complex backgrounds. The first time I became aware there was uncertainty in my own racial identity was when I was completing my racial status for the military. The classifications were White, Black, Asian, Native American, or none. Then you go on to the next question. What is your ethnicity: Hispanic or Latino? How is this not a racial identity? Most importantly, how is a Hispanic or Latino supposed to be classified in these small parameters?
I’m a first generation on my mother’s side. I now primarily identify myself as Mexican-American. This is because the customs and traditions are Mexican, but they are Americanized. On my dad’s side, I’m second generation born in the United States. My grandfather, who I met once, was Puerto Rican. My grandmother was a mix of Portuguese, Spanish, and Native American. Being born in America, there is so much that is lost from my ancestors’ culture. I know, being light skin makes it hard for people to identify what my racial and ethnic background is. I also know being born in the United States is a privilege and having citizenship makes me extremely lucky. My ancestors on both sides have made sacrifices for me to be a U.S. citizen and for me to have opportunities.
I’m a mixed Latin-American, and in that, I have enormous pride. As a kid, I was often asked, “What are you?” My answers on this have changed with my maturity and self understanding. At first I would always say, “I’m Mexican & Puerto Rican”. But I eventually realized, I knew very little about Puerto Rican culture being Puerto Rican. Growing up, we spent most of our time with my mom’s side, with my Mexican family. It was when my aunt took me to eat Puerto Rican food at a local restaurant in San Diego that I first understood I only knew my Mexican part of my racial background. I looked over at the menu of Caribbean food and had no idea what I was looking at. “Fried bananas was a thing?” I asked myself.
That was the first time I truly felt like I was misleading others when I said, “I’m Puerto Rican”. So, then I was Mexican. I accepted this. I lived off of tacos shops, carne asada, spicy enchiladas and mole. This was my identity. After a few years, I went to Mexico, and I learned that a lot of the foods and traditions were inspired by Mexican traditions but not exactly the same. Even the food was different and, in some ways, better than what I knew. Returning to the United States, I felt that same feeling, maybe I was not accurately identifying myself. I didn’t want to say I was Mexican when I did not speak the language, understand the hardships, or even know what it was like to live in Mexico. I began to embrace: I am Mexican-American. I’m American, born and raised, but I have a lot of Mexican influences on my identity.
Progressing along, I decided to do a 23andMe Ancestry Test. Until this, I didn’t understand what it meant to be Latino. You see, I didn’t realize the effects colonialism had on my own blood. I learned I was primarily European, taking the lead with 53% Spanish. Second leading was Indigenous American, at 35%, and my last was Sub African with nearly 6%. I do have a few others; however, this is my primary breakdown.
Here are my full 23andMe Ancestry Test results:
First off, I know absolutely nothing about Spain, it’s traditions, or why it was so high on my results! And what? I’m European? Does that make me white? Lastly, I didn’t know, but being Puerto Rican means there is a high chance of having ancestors who were apart of the horrific slave trade. Even though I knew this history, I now felt connected to it.
I’m sure not many understand why this opened my eyes more to racial issues against African-Americans. Because even though I don’t identify as being Black, it does mean I’m now somehow connected. The harder part for me to grasp was I was also more connected to Spanish colonialism, which primaily took Africans from Africa and brought them to the Caribbean to be slaves. For the Spanish who came to the “Newfoundland”, they wanted to mix with locals to integrate themselves and used religion as a tool to gain power by establishing a superior hierarchy based on ancestry lines and skin color, also known as Colorism. I struggle to understand that this was the reality of my racial and ethnic background.
There was so much I had to work on and accept within myself from these test results. I had to not only understand and accept my identity, but I also thirst for the stories behind that. I listened to multiple audiobooks on the topic and dived deep into the history of Latin America. Eventually I asked myself, am I Indigenous? Am I part Black? Does being part European make me Caucasian?
A lot of Latinx/Hispanics are mixed with multiple racial and ethnic backgrounds. For me, understanding my racial makeup and its history is how I connect with my racial identity. I’ve embraced the idea that I am part Indigenous, and I’m also part Afro-Latino—thus explaining my curly hair. For now, I’m focusing hard on understanding those stories and identities. What are the struggles of those whose ancestors I share? What is their pain?
This means understanding systemic racism toward minorities, specifically my own racial makeup, as well as understanding and embracing my natural curly hair and not letting anyone tell me it’s messy.
One day, I may come to terms enough to want to learn my Spanish side, but for now, it’s not something I’m drawn to identify with. That feels so distant to me because of the pain and suffering caused by colonization.
This journey is still open-ended. I’m working through it a piece at a time, trying to process each part of it. So, you may ask, how does this relate to personal growth? I feel that one should truly take the time to understand who they are—internally, historically, racially, ethically, culturally, and so on.
A few years back, I suffered from childhood and then adult depression. I did not understand why. It wasn’t until I looked into myself and my past and the pain of that past did I realize the cause of my sorrows. This internal journey not only helped me address my inner pains and traumas, but it also allowed me to become a better version of myself. I hope this journey of insightful essence and identity will help me achieve the same. If not that, then at least I will understand more about the world, my own ancestry history, and I can understand more about how I came to be in this world.
Interested in your own 23andMe Ancestry results? Use this LINK for 10% off a testing kit.